Kicking and Screaming

By: Jordan Silver

Chapter 1

"Janet, I wish you would stop flitting around here so much, you're giving me a damn headache. It's not like he's royalty or some shit."

These people were like to drive me to drink with this nonsense. It has been days of the same roller coaster ride, all because Mr. High And Mighty was dropping in on us lesser beings for a couple hours of his precious time.

"Oh Maxie, I hope you don't speak like that when Mr. Collins gets here, it's very unbecoming."

My poor sister is demented. She knows me better than that. I wonder what made her think that because the rest of them had become brain dead overnight, that the same thing was going to happen to me.

She knows I call it like I see it. And what I see is a pompous, overrated, swell-headed jackass, that was gonna get it if he put one foot wrong in my house.

Of course, I’ve never clapped eyes on the phenomenon that was Jackson Collins in person, but I know what I know.

The bastard was in for a rude awakening if he thought I was going to bow and scrape for him like the rest of my twittering ninny siblings.

“And I know mother have told you that you are to be on your best behavior, that means no swearing at the poor man, and no giving him any of your sass.”

"You.... I’m not curtailing my usual proclivities just because that jackass is coming here...."

"Mama, Maxie's acting crazy again." She looked toward the door as the matriarch from hell waltzed in. Well shit.

"I sure wish you people would stop calling me crazy, just because I'm not on Jackson Collins' dick...."

"Maxie Irene, wherever did you learn such language? Wait until I tell your father young lady."

I rolled my eyes behind my mother's back. "Where do you think I got it from?" I mumbled under my breath. That one lives in a bubble with no surround sound and barely enough oxygen to keep a gnat alive, bless her heart.

"Sorry mother, I didn't know you'd come into the room." Or I would’ve been out before your shadow crossed mine. Mom and I don’t exactly see eye to eye on...just about anything.

She believes in burying her head in the sand until the crisis pass; while I believe in kicking shit in the balls and facing it head on.

"That's neither here nor there, a young lady should never speak like that; and what is that thing on your trousers?"

"She's been working on that bike of hers again; oil stains, that's what she's got all over her." Why was Janet my favorite again? Lately, with all this wedding nonsense, she’s been a real pain in my ass.

"Oh was Jonas here? I have some pre cooked meals I wanted to send for his father...."

"Jonas wasn't here mother, I don't need him to work on my bike."

"I wish you would act like the young lady you were reared to be; and do something with that hair."

"Mother, the king of Siam isn't due here for another week, my hair's just fine. I sure wish you two would lighten up."

"You need to get a wash and trim and have your nails done."

"I'd rather roast on a spit in hell..."

"Maxie...oh Conrad, thank goodness you're home, could you please have a talk with your daughter?"

"What did the imp do now?" My dad winked at me as he loosened his tie.

My hero. I'm a daddy's girl no question. While mom and my sisters Janet, Miranda and Jenny were all prissy little misses, I was quite different.

I'm second to the last after Miranda, Janet is the oldest and Jenny is the baby. Their biggest concerns in life, is landing rich husbands.

I on the other hand, was quite content with the middle class existence we lived.

Yes the Doves had once had great wealth, but that was a few generations ago.

Now, dad struggled to keep the one surviving business alive, while trying to keep up with the champagne taste of his wife and three of his daughters. Poor dad.

Now this stuff shirt is coming into the picture and turning my life upside down. I am so not amused.

“Well imp, what is it this time?” Dad walked over and wrapped an arm around my neck for a quick nuzzle.

He was the only one I ever let get that close, because he was the only one I could trust. Except Janet, but like I said, the wedding had made her loopy so I’m rethinking that one.

“It’s his bloody highness and his imminent arrival, which if I hear one more word about I’m going to stab myself in the eye with a pruning fork.”

“That’s attractive.” Dad grinned like the scamp that he was before mom started her screeching again.

“See what I mean Conrad, we can’t have her behaving this way in front of our guest.

Think of the impression she’ll make and what with poor Janet marrying into that family, whatever will they think of us?”

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