Just a Bit Confusing

By: Alessandra Hazard

It made him dizzy, but at the same time his mind felt sharper than it had felt in forever. The room seemed sharper, brighter. He felt more like himself, as if he had been sleeping for a long time and suddenly woke up to this strange world that didn’t make much sense. “What?” he said defensively.

“What?” Ryan repeated. “Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’ve lost at least ten pounds.”

Had he?

James shrugged. “I’m fine. I guess I’m just not a fan of Russian cuisine.”

“Bullshit,” Ryan said, gripping his chin and forcing him to look him in the eye. His fingers were icy cold. “Jamie,” he said, softer this time, a strange expression on his face. “It’s me. Talk to me.”

James swallowed, feeling more pathetic than ever. He hated how Ryan kept calling him Jamie.

He didn’t feel like Jamie. Jamie was someone happier, someone who belonged. Jamie was Ryan’s. He wasn’t Ryan’s. He never had been.

He glared at Ryan. “Go back to London. I told you: you don’t need to worry about my stupid feelings anymore. I’m not your concern.”

Anger flickered across Ryan’s face. “You know what’s stupid? That you think you aren’t my concern. You’ll stop being my concern when I’m dead.”

They glowered at each other, breathing hard.

“You know what’s really stupid?” James bit off. “That you think I want to be your  concern. Get a goddamn puppy if you want something to stroke your hero complex. Or even better—knock Hannah up! That way you’ll have something to care for. You don’t need me for that—”

Ryan slammed their mouths together. It was such a shock to Jamie’s system after months of nothing that a pitiful sound left his throat. He could only stand, soaking it in as Ryan took, and took, and took, an unrestrained, brutal kiss full of burning need. It turned Jamie’s knees into a jelly. Ryan bit at his lip possessively, causing Jamie to moan, lean forward, demand more. His blood was pounding as Ryan devoured his mouth with starved, rough kisses, and yet he couldn’t fully believe this was really happening, waiting for the blow he was certain would come—for Ryan to step back, say it was a mistake, that he didn’t want Jamie that way. But instead, Ryan twisted his fingers in his hair and thrust his tongue halfway down his throat, kissing him brutally, his desire unmistakable as he pulled Jamie’s hips against his hard cock.

“I’m sorry,” Ryan said hoarsely, nibbling along Jamie’s jawline, his hands stroking along Jamie’s back and then slipping into his boxers to grip his cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he said, pushing Jamie toward the bed.

Even through his desire-hazed mind, Jamie knew what Ryan was apologizing for: this still didn’t mean anything. But at the moment, with Ryan’s scent and body all over him, he couldn’t bring himself to care. He wanted him, he wanted him, he  missed him—missed him so much he wanted to crawl inside him or put Ryan inside himself, glue him to himself.

Jamie moaned when Ryan pushed him back on the bed and crawled on top of him, covering his face and neck with urgent, wet, open-mouthed kisses, sucking hickeys into his skin. “Jamie,” Ryan said, his name sounding like a prayer. “Jamie,” he said again, trailing his parted lips down Jamie’s chest. “Jamie,” he mumbled into James’s belly-button, his voice thick and barely recognizable.

“Baby.” He bit and licked at Jamie’s hipbone, making him jerk and thrash under Ryan with soft, broken moans. He didn’t even notice Ryan take his boxers off; he realized that he was naked only when Ryan spread his legs and stopped to stare at Jamie’s groin.

Panting, Jamie found himself blushing, nervous that Ryan would be turned off when he saw his hard cock up close and personal. His hands on Jamie’s thighs, Ryan looked at Jamie’s cock with a strange expression before shifting his gaze to Jamie’s toned thighs. The green eyes glazed over. Ryan leaned down and bit the inside of James’s thigh. A keening sound left Jamie’s lips. God. He was so hard it hurt.

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