Get Me Off

By: Penny Wylder




Consoling my best friend Stephanie has turned into a fulltime job. I feel for her, I do. It must suck to have every single boyfriend she’s ever had cheat on her. But when you’re only attracted to the bad boys, what do you expect? They don’t get those bad reputations by handing out flowers and writing love letters with words that make Hallmark cards seem like scribblings on the stalls of men’s bathrooms.

Stephanie and I go back and forth instant messaging each other. It’s been almost a month since the “incident” with her ex and yet it’s still all she talks about. I guess I’d feel the same way if I were her, but I’ve never stuck around relationships long enough to be cheated on. I’ve never connected with someone enough to care about what they do when I’m not around.

While she vents, I check out the latest Twitter gossip. There’s always someone saying the wrong thing while the internet crouches down like some creep in a back alley waiting to pounce. Sometimes it’s better than reality TV.

Stephanie: Why are guys such dicks?

Me: You’re asking the wrong person.

I switch over to Twitter again. Some D-list celebrity has finally made it back into the spotlight over some sexist remark and now suddenly, everyone is going insane. I’m glad nothing I post is worth talking about. Despite my five thousand followers, I doubt anyone would notice me even if I said something rude and offensive. Most people just follow me so I’ll follow them back, or because we live in the same town. It’s all so pointless, and damn entertaining at the same time.

Stephanie: Whats so wrong with me that all those fucker’s feel the need to be with someone else WHILE their still with me.

Her grammar is atrocious.

Me: There’s nothing wrong with you. You are amazing, and you can do so much better.

Stephanie: I’ll never find another guy like him again.

Dramatic as ever.

I roll my eyes. Me: Sure you will. If you sit in front of the jail long enough, the next love of your life will walk out of those doors any minute now.

Stephanie: Your not funny.

I smile at the bright screen.

Me: *you’re*.

Stephanie: I hate you.

I check out Twitter again. Things have quieted down for the most part, but I leave it open so I can check in from time to time.

Stephanie: I’m going to send you a picture.

Me: Of what?

Stephanie: My burning rash. Tell me if it looks infected.

Oh god. She’s my best friend and I love her to pieces, but sometimes I think we’ve grown too close.

I start to type back, begging her not to, but realize I was starting to reply in my Twitter-feed instead. I delete it and switch back to Instant Messenger. She already sent the photo. It pops up on my screen and I breathe a sigh of relief. The title says Infection, but it’s a picture of her ex and his new girlfriend.

Stephanie’s boyfriend isn’t great-looking, but he has a nice body and never seems to have trouble with the ladies. Stephanie thinks he looks like Ryan Gosling. Maybe if you squint hard enough and put a picture of Ryan Gosling in front of his face there might be some resemblance. The new girlfriend, on the other hand, is stunning. Long blond hair, perfect boobs, shapely legs in a short skirt. Of course I don’t tell Stephanie that.

Me: She’s gangrene.

Because that’s what good friends do.

Stephanie: I’m mostly pissed about the sex though. He was AMAZING in the sack. It was like NASCAR up in our bed. Zero to Fuck Yea! in five minutes flat.

I cringe while picturing his face in the throes of an orgasm, those bulging eyes, balmy skin no matter the weather.

Me: You’re lucky.

Stephanie: How so?

I can’t believe I’m about to admit this to the person with the biggest mouth, but maybe it will make her feel better.

Me: What I’m about to tell you better never fucking leave this space.

Stephanie: And you’re the one always calling me overly dramatic.

Me: I’m serious. If you don’t make me a promise, I won’t tell you.

Stephanie: Fine. I promise.

Pop-up ads fill my screen, slowing down my computer. I click out of them before I reply.

Me: I’ve never actually had a guy give me an orgasm before.

I’ve never told her that. I probably should’ve kept it to myself. The longer I sit with the thought, the more I start to regret telling her.

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